Hey y’all, welcome to Lovin My Daughter-in-law podcast where connection, love, and a whole lot of fun come together.
I am LeAnn Austin, boy mom and teacher turned master-certified life coach, who once had all the feelings when cute girlies started dating my sons. I had to learn a lot about love, boundaries, and connection, not just with my daughters-in-law, but with myself. That’s how Lovin My Daughter-in-law was born.
So if you’re craving more love, connection, and fun in your life. Especially the kind that starts from within this podcast is for you.
Today’s episode #192: Language of Love with Dr. Vijay Patel
I love observing and connecting with other humans, especially noting how they feel and implement love into their lives and their relationships.
We have the amazing Vijay sharing his beautiful love and relationship insights with us today.
All right Vijay, tell us a little bit about you. Thank you. My name is Dr. Vijay Patel. Initially from Zambia. I was actually born in Zambia, moved to London at the age of 11, where I went on to study physiology and medicine at the University College School of Medicine.
And I trained as a surgeon in UK and I worked at some of the most prestigious top hospitals in UK. And in the late eighties, I became a fellow of the Royal College of Surgeons of England and Edinburgh.
In the early nineties, I then moved to USA. Initially went to Louisville to do a research fellowship where I completed that, and then moved to Atlanta where my sister lived.
I joined the first surgical residency program at Morehouse School of Medicine, which was initiating at Grady Hospital, and I was one of the first graduates to graduate from there. Following graduation, I then joined the faculty as a trauma surgeon initially, which I did for several years, and then eventually rose to the rank of professor of surgery in the department of surgery at Morehouse.
I dedicated my career to teaching, research, and training young surgeons, which was my passion, and I’ve always enjoyed teaching.
I sadly retired two years ago from surgical clinical practice. I was chief of surgery at Atlanta Medical Center, which finally closed sadly, and left a void in Atlanta. So I was glad at least that it forced me to retire, and I didn’t want to move anywhere.
So I’m currently 69 years old. I’m married with two daughters and a son. And the age ranges between 34 and 40. So I have three wonderful children and I’m proud to say that I have five grandchildren now, ranging from two months to seven years. I’m one of the youngest of four siblings. Three sisters who kept me grounded when I was growing up.
So I’m delighted to be here today and share my journey and some of my experience with you.
Oh, what an honor and a pleasure to have you. Oh my goodness, and I had no idea you did all these things as a surgeon, doctor, and everything. I met Vijay at a gym class, and I had no clue you had all of this background. And I’ve been blessed to see pictures of his beautiful grandchildren, and it’s so fun to connect that way too. So thank you for, oh my goodness, all the work that you’ve done. So amazing. Thank you.
Alright, so how do you incorporate love into your business and life and how does that impact your relationships?
Well, in the work I did as a surgeon, initially as a trauma surgeon and subsequently as a robotic surgeon, it showed me that empathy was key from the early days when I went into medicine. That you had to have empathy, not ego. And you have to really understand your colleagues and their perspectives and respond with care, which was really something which I learned very early on.
And then to build trust, you have to really be transparent. You have to own up and fess up to your mistakes and keep your word. And show sincerity. And you have to recognize people’s contributions. They may be small, they may be large, and you have to celebrate their wins. And I think that’s important to have in a group setting where you are in the leadership role.
I aim to create this kind of supportive culture in my leadership roles, which encouraged openness, transparency, and sharing of ideas. Which I think is important to listen to all ideas, and not be judgmental. I love that.
As far as my personal life, I think I’ve basically, you know, been present for my family, although my work was consuming most of my time. Including days and nights when I was taking trauma call. So based on my time away from family, I have done well.
I have three lovely children and they obviously missed me when they were growing up. My wife took on the major role; took them to the library, played tennis with them, and did all the fun stuff with them. Unfortunately I was absent through most of that, which I regret in some respects. But I think it’s important to also nurture relationships with other people. And it’s important to keep in touch, to remember the milestones and share experiences.
My daughter tells me that really, I don’t show love in the classical way. There are cultural differences in our Indian community compared to the Western community. And we don’t say I love you as often, but, you know, my daughter says I perform acts of service. So when I go to my daughter’s place, I’ll wash her car, fix any broken items in the house, and I will babysit the grandkids.
And so these are all acts of kindness and way I show love. So that’s kind of my personal take on my personal life, on how I incorporate love.
I love that so much, how you do incorporate acts of kindness and service. I mean, sometimes we do think we just gotta say I love you versus no, let’s show it, let’s act like we do. So that’s very tender. That’s cool.
So it’s not just, and I wish our culture was slightly different in where we express love more by saying it, but our culture is different and we really don’t show love in that way. So there are differences in culture, which I now know ’cause I’ve lived in three different countries and traveled a lot. So I see how the people in the rest of the world live. And how they show love as well.
Yeah. Well, and I love too, how you’re taking those different experiences and meshing them all together. Right. And so that’s beautiful. I love that. Well, tell us something that you love about you and why.
That’s an interesting question. I think one of the things that I like about me myself is that I never stop learning. It’s like having an infinite bookshelf in your mind, and I’m constantly expanding with new ideas, perspectives, and stories.
So this allows me to meet people in all walks of life and I can meet anybody at any time and explore family dynamics, leadership, or life itself. And sometimes politics as well, which I try not to talk too much about. And I can offer something which may be tailored, sometimes surprising, and main thing is that I’m thoughtful about how I respond to people.
And in my earlier days, I would say, when you’re a young surgeon, obviously ego is part of your makeup at that point. But over the years, that has vanished and I realized that empathy and relating to your patients and helping them was the best way of showing love.
Oh, I love that so much. And I’m sure your transition all the way through your life, that is so beautiful to hear and see and that you recognize it. That you are like, wait, never stop learning, and all of these things. Oh, I love it Vijay.
Okay, so I really enjoy talking about connecting with others and ourselves. And I think the daughter-in-law relationship is packed full of endless examples of how to do this. So any thoughts about the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law dynamic or father-in-law dynamic with, you know, daughters-in-law or whatever.
Yeah, I mean I’m no expert on that topic, but I have had significant experience based on my three sisters and how they interacted with their in-laws, as well as my children. Now, you know, I’ve experienced that and so I do have some thoughts on the matter.
I think the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship can be a complex variety of scenarios. It can be beautiful, baffling, as well as combustible at times. And I think, you know, when I’ve thought a little bit about this, I said, you know what’s the reason why there’s a clash? And I think the key thing is there are different expectations usually shaped by culture, upbringing, and their values.
Particularly in the Indian culture where the mother-in-law plays a central role. Because, you know, and I think things have changed now, but in the earlier times, the children lived with the parents. Okay. Which is what, you know, my mother and father lived with me when we were in England. When I got married, my wife moved in with my parents. So the dynamics is different.
The mother played the central role in running the kitchen and the household. So when my wife came in, there was clearly difficulties my wife encountered during those earlier times. And when we moved to the United States, my parents were infirm, so they lived with us and my wife took care of my mother. Wow. But away from renal failure, she took care of my mother.
I give you an example of the relationship and that there is hope in changing the dynamics. In that, my mother was taken ill suddenly, was unable to get up from a sitting position or walk, so she was hospitalized and my sister from LA came, flew over to see her. And my other sister who lives in Atlanta was visiting as well. So they were both at the hospital and my mother was really not feeling well. She kept her eyes shut and had very little interaction with my siblings.
So my wife was working at the time, and when she got off work, around five o’clock, she came to the hospital and as soon as she walked into the room, my mother opened her eyes and gave her a big smile, at which my sister from LA who’s very vocal, she said, look at this. Your daughter-in-law comes in and you are all smiles and open your eyes, and we’ve been here all afternoon and you don’t even have any conversation with me. And we didn’t see any smile when she came, and she told my sister that she’s like my daughter.
So that was, you know, a real turning point, in the sense that she had respect now for my wife. So I think that has to be earned. Yeah, and it is, like you said, building that trust and Right. And yeah, and I think your wife too, having that trust and compassion for herself, right. And therefore turning it over to your mom. That’s so beautiful. I love that.
So I said, you know, although there are clashes with a lot of mother daughter-in-law relationships, I think there is hope that if you maintain certain boundaries, have mutual respect, and the key thing is their shared love for the son. Ah, yes. So both the mother and the wife loves the son. So that’s a bridge to developing a bond. And if you look at it from that perspective, then, you know, there is hope to improve that.
Yes. That is so beautiful a bridge Vijay, I love that so much. It is both of them having that love for the son, right. So that’s the commonality. And so if you can work on and understand that and not be threatened. And also for the mother-in-law has to change. Obviously it was harder for the older generation. I think for the newer generation, I think that’s more likely and there’s, you know, more chance that that can change that dynamic.
But I think in the older generation were rigid in their ways, and it was difficult to change their thought pattern. Mm-hmm. Or their way of looking at things and, you know, I think you have to honor the way the other individual may be thinking and showing love in different ways.
So I think it’s important to try and have some commonality, you know, not be threatening, not be judgmental. And I think when that happens, then the transition can happen. Yes, that is so beautiful. And even as you spoke before about, you know, continuing to learn and being open, if we’re that way in the in-law relationships or whatever relationship, it really does help foster that and build and strengthen that. And the boundaries and the respect and all of that. Thank you so much for sharing that. I love that.
All right. Anything else you want to share with us today? Well, you know, just one thought that my daughter talks about. You have to know your language of love, and I think we all have to do that. My language of love is acts of service, and both through my career where I’ve helped patients, you know, I’ve treated patients with lethal injuries, to cancers, to elective problems.
So, I think the reward from that is enormous. I mean, you know, it’s just, I can’t describe in words how enjoyable and the wealth of joy I get from doing what I did, and helping people. I think that the acts of service, I think is a key thing, which I can share with people. If you help people, be neighborly, smile at people when you see them on the street or whatever, I think all these little acts of kindness help and in the end, it’s valued. By your family as well when you show that kind of love to them as well.
Absolutely. And I love you’re so intentional about that, because I mean, that’s how I met you. Just acts of service, just being kind and saying hey, and you know, like those little things. Being intentional about it and open and curious about other people. Ah, that is gold.
Yeah. I mean, I enjoy talking to people from all walks of life. I can talk to an academician, I can talk to the street vendor or whoever, it doesn’t matter who the person is. And I think it’s important we don’t judge people based on their profession or their wealth or whatever.
Yes. So I think that’s a key way of looking at life is, you know, it’s within you. The love is within you and you should share it. I think people are more open too. They’re a little bit more reserved sometimes, but they can come out of that shell. It just takes little steps to get to know people and connect.
Yeah. Well, I love that your daughter said that, the language of love, because it is like meshing all the languages. I mean, none is better than the other. It’s all that beautiful blend of all of it and that love. That’s, ah, that’s beautiful. Thank you.
Well my last question. So what is your favorite quote about love and how have you used it for yourself and in your relationships?
Well, you know, Gandhi said: “That where there’s love, there’s life.” and I think this quote is more than just poetic. It’s a call to live with heart and purpose. And you don’t need grand gestures, just presence, empathy, and intention. I think those are key things to embody it.
The way I try and incorporate it in my life is, I cultivate compassionate relationships, you know, listen deeply to people’s ideas and views, which I may agree with or not agree with. Be ready to forgive people, and prioritize quality time with people.
I also practice self-love. If you don’t love yourself, it’s gonna be pretty impossible to love somebody else. Yes! So I think you have to be kind to yourself, set boundaries, and pursue your passions. I think if you do that, then I think you are a better person, to be able to share love with others.
And I think serving others with kindness, volunteering, helping your neighbor, smiling at strangers, as I said, are all things which, you know, acts of kindness, which you can do. And I think you should find beauty in every everyday things: music, sunset, laughter, and, small joys, which I think people don’t take much notice of. And I think you should appreciate nature and what’s around you, and look at life from a different perspective.
Oh, so good. I I love that quote too, “Where there is love, there is life.” Hmm, something to think about. Thank you. Thank you Vijay, for sharing your love insights. This has been so tender and it, again, it is such an honor to know you and I had no clue you were a doctor with all these letters behind your name.
Wow. Like, I love that you are just so kind and that it doesn’t matter that you are, you know, this famous surgeon and you know, we’re just doing gym class together. So it’s so fun and I’m excited, I think when this podcast airs will be right around your birthday time and so that is pretty incredible to be turning 70 and all the amazing things you’ve done, so thank you. Thank you.
Alright, here’s to presence, empathy, intention, acts of service, connection, and love. Have a good one y’all.
Thanks for hanging out with me today on Lovin My Daughter-in-law podcast. I hope you’re walking away with a little more connection, love, and lightness in your heart.
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