What do traffic lights have to do with relationships?
Ever wonder what differentiation really means?
Take a listen to discover how understanding this concept can create stronger bonds!
Welcome to Lovin My Daughter-in-law Podcast. I’m relationship expert and master certified coach LeAnn Austin. I’ll help you create more connection, love, and fun with others, yourself, and your daughter-in-law.
Hey y’all, welcome to Lovin My Daughter-in-law, episode #163: Strengthen Bonds with Differentiation
I’ve heard the word differentiation a few times recently and was curious what it actually meant. I asked my husband about it and he said some math stuff that I had no idea what he was talking about.
So I dived into it a little bit more and discovered that differentiation is the ability to stay connected to yourself, your thoughts, feelings, and values, while also maintaining healthy relationships with others. It means you don’t lose yourself in relationships. What a beautiful word.
I love talking all things connection. And so the word differentiation, or the ability to stay true to yourself while maintaining healthy connections with others, Is definitely a word I’ll be using much more in my vocabulary.
I love the traffic light metaphor that has been so helpful to me in thinking about differentiation. So I wanted to share it with you. When you’re out and about driving and see a traffic light, think about this.
The red light. The red light is when you lose yourself to please others. You say yes, even when you want to say no. You feel responsible for other people’s emotions and reactions. You avoid conflict to keep the peace. Even if it means ignoring your own needs.
For example, your friend asked for help last minute, and even though you’re exhausted, you say yes because you don’t want to hurt them or for them to be upset. That is the red light, and it can also be referred to as enmeshment.
So, on to the yellow light. The yellow light is pulling away too much. You distance yourself emotionally to avoid feeling overwhelmed. You struggle to express your thoughts or emotions to others. You may feel independent, but also lonely or disconnected.
So, for example, instead of having a tough conversation with your partner about something that bothered you, you avoid them or act indifferent. This is the yellow light and can also be referred to as emotional cutoff.
And then we have the green light. Balancing connection and individuality. You can express your needs and emotions without fear of rejection. You stay connected with others without losing your sense of self. You can handle disagreements without feeling like the relationship is at risk.
An example is a family member disagrees with your opinion, but instead of avoiding them or changing your view to match theirs, you respectfully express yourself. and stay engaged in the relationship. That’s the green light. That is healthy differentiation.
So, where do you think you are right now? Especially when you see a traffic light. Red, yellow, or green.
If you’d like to spend more time in the green and learn some tools that will get you there, join us in Connection Crew and together we’ll make that happen.
This is a great quote from Dr. Murray Bowen: “A well-differentiated self is capable of strong, intimate connections while still standing on its own.” Hmm, something to think about.
Here’s to differentiation, connection, and love. Have a good one, y’all.
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Thanks so much for tuning in. If you enjoyed this episode and want to create more fun, connection, and love into your relationships, check out my Connection Crew membership and One-on-One Coaching programs. This is where I share practical strategies to help you deepen your relationships.
Plus, I’ve got some fun free goodies that you won’t want to miss.
If you’re ready to transform your connections from the inside out, start with my free Connection Blueprint. Your easy three step guide to connecting with yourself and others on a whole new level.
And here’s a bonus. If you’re looking to strengthen your bond with your daughter-in-law, grab my One Question that will instantly boost the love and understanding in your relationship.
All the details, including your free Connection Blueprint, and that powerful One Question are at leannaustin.com.
Don’t wait, start creating those deeper, more meaningful connections today.
