Episode 76: Dating with Julie Balkman

 Julie Balkman shares some beautiful love insights about hair on fire, maps, dating, and much more. If you’re ready to tune in to the idea that there is love all around us, take a listen.

Learn more about Julie here: https://www.juliebalkmancoaching.com/ and https://www.instagram.com/lifecoach.julie/

Welcome to Lovin My Daughter-in-law Podcast, where my mother-in-law, relationship expert and master certified coach LeAnn Austin, will help you create more love and connection with your daughter-in-law and everyone else who care about.

Hey y’all, welcome to Lovin My Daughter-in-law, episode #76: Dating with Julie Balkman

I love observing and connecting with other humans, especially noting how they feel and implement love into their lives and their relationships.

We have the incredible Julie sharing some beautiful love and relationship insights with us today. Alright Julie, briefly introduce yourself.

I am Julie Balkman, and most of my clients are between the ages of 23 and 35. I help people get out of the dating game and into a real relationship that lasts. Mmm, good stuff. Alright, so question number one: How do you incorporate love into your business and life, and how does that impact your relationships?

Well, that is where I say often that this is always where we start is with love because I feel like that nobody can change their thinking or the way that they’re seeing the world without feeling loved.

And I talk about the three elements of happiness being first and foremost, feeling loved. And when you feel loved, you can be loving. And the third element is responsible. I love how love is the core. That’s so beautiful. Yes, and I learned when I sought out life coaching, that that was the most important thing. That was the thing that I needed the most.

I believed that, I was going through a divorce and I really believed that I wasn’t loved and that I wasn’t lovable. And when I explain this to clients, I often say that many people are in fear and/or pain. And I see that metaphorically as like someone with their hair on fire and you can’t really communicate with someone whose hair is on fire. If you put out the fire, then they’ll talk, they’ll open up, they’ll be able to see things. But when your hair is on fire, all you can think is, I’m in pain and I need to get this fire out. And I believe the way to put out the fire is with love.

That is such a beautiful visual, just thinking about that. And you’re right, cuz when it’s like, wait my hair’s on fire, nothing else is happening. It is really taking care of that. Yeah, often people who metaphorically are drowning will cling to the person who is trying to help or rescue, and then that person is also being drowned.

So metaphorically I teach about, you know, the other day I spoke to a group of young adults about dating, and I asked them at the end, their main takeaway, could they take away the idea of becoming a receiver of love? And then I address like, how do you receive love? You know, if love is needed and that’s gonna keep you from drowning, or be the rescue or help someone help you, or put out the fire. How do you do that?

You often hear the phrase, you just need to love yourself. And I think that that’s a confusing phrase because while of course you can care for yourself and care about your own happiness, but I don’t believe that you can give yourself something you haven’t got.

So how did you explain that to them? I mean, what was the response? Oh, well, I think that when I speak to an audience, what I see in their faces is like the desire. Like I have a desire to be a receiver of love, but also a little bit like, how do I do that? What, where do I, and because I am mostly helping people and supporting them when it comes to dating, I often talk about how the most dangerous way to date is without love.

Yes. Showing up like with your empty love bucket and wanting the person you’re on a date with to fill that bucket to make you feel good about yourself. So, you know, like, oh I hope this person likes me and you feel really desperate for them to like you.

Which is so different than when you show up filled with love and how it makes it so much easier to love everyone else. Yes, exactly. I call it the difference between I care how you make me feel, versus I care how you feel. Ah, interesting. So yeah, I believe that like, if you’re so concerned about someone loving or liking you, you’re really focused more on you. And it makes it so much harder to be present and get to know the person you’re with.

Mmmm, yeah. I love that you’re focusing on, especially those young adults, that’s so awesome. What a great thing to learn at a younger age. I love that. Yes, I wished I had learned it at a younger age. Exactly, oh such good work.

Alright Julie, number two: what is something you love about you and why? Oh, something that I love about me. I’m often telling my husband that I’m funny. Oh, awesome. I love that I’m funny and that he actually laughs at me. I mean that, I don’t know, it’s like the ultimate compliment. I am, I’m not the funny, like comedian funny, but funny in a, if you ever feel awkward or say the wrong thing or, I don’t know, act foolish in some way, then you can relate to me because that’s how I’m funny. I’m funny because I’m quirky and odd and, I don’t know, I sometimes see things differently than other people see them and, don’t get the jokes or, I make up my own lyrics to songs and they’re completely wrong.

And, I just, I kind of can relate to that old me, the nine year old me in school where I spent most of my time daydreaming, and I never really understood what the teacher was talking about. And I kind of like, am that way in life, you know, like I’m seeing something out the window instead of what’s, you know, the main core of the classroom is following what the teacher’s saying. And I’m wondering like, why is everyone getting their books out and turning to page such and such? Because I never heard what she said. So I think that I can relate to the oddball.

And I love that you recognize that and admire that about you. That’s beautiful. I finally do. Yes, it took a while. Alright, number three. I love talking all things daughter-in-law. So any thoughts about either having a daughter-in-law or being a daughter-in-law?

Yes, oh, yes. I’ve experienced both, and I think that my thoughts are that, well two things, one is what other people say or think about you is none of your business. And adopting that mantra can really change how you, I mean, I think that as a daughter-in-law, I wanted approval and I wanted my mother-in-law to like me. Mm-hmm. And she was just the most accepting, loving woman. I mean, there was an, I knew that when she didn’t agree with me or, you know, didn’t think that I was doing things the way that she would do them, whether it was, you know, raising kids or whatever, managing my home or, you know, how clean I keep the kitchen.

We were different, and I knew that, and I guess I thought, you know, if I didn’t measure up to like how she did things, that she wouldn’t like me. And letting go of that concern, of trying to guess what she thought of me and just allowing myself to be me, and then also to introduce that element of gratitude that like, she may not approve of how I’m doing things or how I live my life, but I’m so grateful that I’m still invited into her home and she still comes into mine and we interact and she doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t criticize or give advice or suggestions. And focusing on that rather than like the insecurity of, I wonder what she thinks of me. Mmm, yeah.

So fascinating this relationship and where, you know, so many different aspects of that. Oh yes, so many. I mean, there’s a lot of layers in there. You know, mothers and mothers- in-law, and daughters, and daughters-in-law.

Well you just getting to the point where you feel comfortable showing up just as you, I think as gold. How can I show up just as you. And then you said you have daughters-in-law as well? Well, I would say, let’s see, I have two son-in-laws, and then my son has a girlfriend, and I think of her as my daughter-in-law. So nice, yes, soon to be. Yeah, she’s one of us, so yes. Ah, so fun, I love that.

Alright, anything else you’d like to share, and where can our audience go to find out more about you? Oh well, do you have another hour? I have lots of things to share. Well, where your audience would find me is at my website, which is juliebalkmancoaching.com. And that’s, you know, if you want more information about me and what I do. And then I also have an Instagram that my assistant and I are, we’re pretty active on there. And it’s @lifecoachjulie Nice, okay.

Let’s see, what do I have to share? I would love to share that lately I’ve really been excited about speaking and speaking engagements. And speaking to a larger audience about dating and I love that experience. My favorite part about that is the Q and A at the end, I usually give a, maybe a 20 minute presentation, which involves the dating map. Oh, interesting. And on this map I teach decision making. One of the things on the map is the decision making success system, because I think that’s often where people get stuck when it comes to dating. Whether it’s, you know, just deciding to date at all, or who to date or do you wanna go on a second date?

Learning how to make those decisions so that you can progress rather than staying in the, I’m trying to figure things out or, I don’t know. We have a lot of that. Dating, I believe in today’s world for an LDS young adult dating is more difficult than it ever has been. So if anyone wants to know anything about dating, Julie is the person to talk to. I love that, a dating map, a dating everything. You incorporate love into all of it. That’s so good.

I do, yes, first and foremost. And I also talk with engaged couples and newlyweds because when I’m teaching people how to get out of the game and into a real relationship, oftentimes people who played the game, got engaged, got married, they took the game with them into the marriage. So I’m still working with, you know, people who are playing the game, but they’re in a committed, established relationship.

Okay nice, that’s so good. Alright, last question: What is your favorite quote or question about love and how have you used it for yourself and in your relationships? Oh, I love this. Happiness is now, right now, and this is my mantra and I use it as an awareness. It’s like, for me, it’s a tune in to my awareness of the idea that there is love all around us. And all I need to do is tune in, focus on it, and receive it. And one way I receive love is I go into what I call intense gratitude mode. So if happiness is now, right now, then my mind and my heart, well, my mind is searching for what is there to be happy about. And my heart is opening up to that, and recognizing that like, there’s love all around us, this love comes from God. There is love from people around me. I don’t need it from just one person. And that’s helpful too because one way I teach that, you know, as a receiver of love, if you tell the truth about yourself, your fears, flaws, and mistakes, the part of you that you’re not as willing to share because maybe you’re embarrassed or ashamed. When you allow someone to see that part of you, even the small part, you’re giving them the opportunity to see, accept, and love you as you are. And when you feel accepted with your fears, flaws, and mistakes, that’s another way of receiving love. So happiness is now, it helps me tune into all of that.

There’s love all around us. Hmmm, something to think about. Thank you Julie, for sharing your tidbits of love with us.

Have a good one, y’all ~ and here’s to dating and love.

If you enjoy this podcast, check out LeAnn’s Lovin My Daughter-in-law Program where she coaches and teaches a variety of ways to have more fun and connection in our relationships. LeAnn also shares the five secrets she uses to create a beautiful relationship with me and her other daughter-in-law. She’s the real deal. I highly recommend you check this out.

And if you want one easy question you can keep in your back pocket and use to increase the love you feel for your daughter-in-law today, go to leannaustin.com and get the one question.

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