Shame-Blame Trap

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meganb433 asked 2 weeks ago

I'm learning more about the shame-blame loop. I notice that I feel shame for the way I am thinking, feeling and showing up in regards to my husband's family… but that feels terrible. So, then I pop all the way to the other end of the spectrum where I blame them and their thoughts, feelings and actions for the way I am feeling. And then, that doesn’t feel good either… so I just pop back and forth over and over again. I collect lots of evidence and find supporters who take my side. My Model: C - I have in-laws who do and say things. T - I don't like them. I don't like the way they show up or not show up in my world. I should like them. F - Frustration and Shame A - Blame in-laws, collect evidence, share my side of the story with supporters R - shame-blame loop I know it would help if I practiced having more love in my life for them. But, the thought of loving them feels like letting down my guard and not upholding self-respect for the ways in which I strongly believe they have "wronged" me. When I think of focusing on loving my husband and creating the best life I can with him, I also feel shame because I see "turning inward" as selfish. How can I loosen my grip on this and get out of the shame/blame trap?

1 Answers

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2leann answered 2 weeks ago

Thanks for sharing this and so much beautiful awareness happening here!

First off noticing that you are jumping from one end of the spectrum to the other. This is a great opportunity to play in the “messy middle” (like Brené Brown shares).

Shame and blame are part of being a human and bringing them to light is so helpful. When we let ourselves actually feel the shame in our body rather than resist it, the blaming others lessens.

Great work on your model and what it brought up for you. You can break it down even more if you’d like, keeping the thought and feeling to one rather than more.

I would also question the “wronged” part of what you believe they’ve done. What if it wasn’t “wrong” it was simply different than what you do?

Remember love is a feeling we get to feel or not feel. Sometimes we want to feel love and sometimes we don’t, and that is okay.

Question “turning inward” as being selfish. Loving and taking care of ourselves isn’t selfish at all. It’s like the oxygen mask on the airplane: when we take care of ourselves, we are able to show up so much better for others.

Continue to notice the “shame/blame trap” and see how often you can interrupt it. The more you do and have love and compassion for yourself, the less it will be a “trap” and could actually be a valuable lesson.

Shame-Blame Trap

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