Miscarraiges

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meganb433 asked 4 months ago

My husband works at a dental office. Yesterday he came home from work and told me this story. "A few weeks ago, a woman came in for treatment. She was pregnant so we had to contact her doctor for permission to move forward. She had to go home until we heard back from him. Today, she returned, and was now ready for treatment because she had a miscarriage." As my husband told me about this situation, he started crying. We have been trying to conceive for years and are now doing IVF. We haven't made it to step 2 yet, so we also haven't had a miscarriage, but I think it will likely happen at some point. First, I told my husband when it happens, he needs to recognize that he will be experiencing it in his own way, just like I will be experiencing it. I told him he needs to hold space to feel what he's feeling and not push it down with phrases like, "I have to be tough because I'm the man," etc. Is this good coaching for him? Second, I feel like a victim. I am upset that miscarriages happen - even though I understand that the cells aren't working in the proper way to produce a child. I am frustrated when I talk to people who conceive naturally and miscarry because I think, "They can turn around and try again. I have to pay $30,000 for each attempt and wait until I get approved on the waitlist at my fertility clinic - which takes several months. Then, I have to do 10 weeks of shots." I would rather feel grateful that the option of IVF exists and that I can afford treatment. Any advice?

1 Answers

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2leann answered 4 months ago

Thank you for sharing, and so much love your way as you and your husband are navigating this very difficult journey.

A few things to think about...

Did your husband ask you to coach him? Some family members are interested in coaching and want guidance, others not so much. When we tell others the "need" to do something, it can create a feeling of added pressure, just like when we tell ourselves we "need" to do something. Notice when we say, "should, need or have to" it takes the choice out and adds pressure instead.

There are very few things that we "need" to do. Reframing that word with "choose" can be helpful. What am I intentionally choosing versus what do I need to do. It's much more empowering when we “choose” rather than thinking we “need to or should”.

If your husband is interested in discussing this further, have him join us on a coaching call anytime. And/or watch The Model Course in our Program, especially the info on Feelings.

As far as you feeling like a victim, maybe you are AND maybe you're the hero. You can keep the victim story if you'd like, and you can also start exploring what it would be like if you're the hero.

It makes sense that you are upset and frustrated with miscarriages, cost of IVF, 10+ weeks of shots, and how some can naturally get pregnant and try again. Give yourself lots of compassion and grace for whatever you're feeling whenever this comes up.

You mentioned what you would rather feel. Continue to intentionally think about how you can be grateful that IVF is an option and that you are able to pay for it. This may tie in to how you can be the hero rather than the victim.

Love that you are working to strengthen your mental and emotional muscles. What a blessing this is not only to yourself, but also your husband, future kids, and everyone you connect with.

Miscarraiges

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